


Fall Apart

by LolaBoleyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Minor Violence, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-09 02:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1964973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaBoleyn/pseuds/LolaBoleyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader is a hunter and dating Dean Winchester. After Dean turns into a demon and leaves her and Sam, she follows him and finds out he cheated on her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "The Empty Space You Left Behind"

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on the "Imagine finding out Dean's been cheating on you" imagine from supernaturalimagine tumblr. 
> 
> I don't own Supernatural of any of the awesome characters nor I own the song mentioned in the story but I do recommend to listen to it. You don't have to but it is an awesome (and sad) song.

Sam found you sitting in the library, empty bottles on the table and loud music playing, at least you weren’t crying anymore.

“You found him.” He stated.

You didn’t look up. “Yep. I also found what he has been doing, or who he has been doing.” You poured yourself another drink.

You had abandoned your boring, normal life to become a hunter after you were attacked by an Arachne; by some dumb luck, you were able to kill it by removing the head with an ax. Your new life was filled with excitement and adventure, but you were lonely until you met Sam and Dean. They took you under their wing, even trained you to become a better hunter. The attraction to the older brother was instant and you didn’t waste any time letting him know you had an interest in him. First were the drunk kisses, then excuses to spend more time with him, followed by finally sleeping with him, culminating in a relationship with Dean. Falling in love with Dean Winchester had tested your patience to the limit; there were times where you had wanted to call it quits, like the time he had been obsessed with killing Dick Roman, yet you decided to support him, even after he went to purgatory, you waited for him. You were sure that there wouldn’t be greater pain than when Sam had appeared with a dead Dean after the fight with Metraton, but Dean cheating on you had affected you worse than you could handle. You could forgive the love of your life turning into a demon, you don’t see yourself forgiving the betrayal.

As much as you loved spending time with Sam, he was interrupting your pity party. You just wanted to get drunk and pathetically cry without anyone there to witness your self-destruction. You ordered Sam to go to bed after noticing how tired he looked. He refused, not wanting to leave you alone.

“I’ll be fine. I just need to get some stuff out of my system.” You gave him a sad smile.

Sam walked away without lowering the volume of the music. You sat there in silence until Miranda Lambert’s 'Over You' started playing. You sang along at the tops of your lungs, “BUT YOU WENT AWAY. HOW DARE YOU? I MISS YOU. THEY SAY I’LL BE OK. BUT I’M NOT GOING EVER GET OVER YOU.” You were sobbing now. “YOUR FAVORITE RECORDS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. ‘CAUSE YOU SING ALONG WITH EVERY SONG. I KNOW YOU DIDN’T MEAN TO GIVE THEM TO ME.” You crashed your drinking glass to the table, breaking it and cutting your hand.

“Shit.” You walked to Sam’s room, leaving little drops of blood on your path. You knocked with your bloody hand, hurting yourself even more. “Ouch. Sam! Sam! I need your help!” Sam opened his door wearing the same clothes, he had only removed his shoes. He noticed the bloody mess you had created.

“What happened? Did you hurt yourself?” Damn. You felt guilty. You imagined he probably felt responsible since he left you alone when you were obviously miserable. 

You raised your hand to his face. “It was an accident.” You quickly told him.

“Let me clean up in the bathroom.” You followed Sam. He opened the water in the sink. You walked past him and got in the shower. 

“What are you doing?” Sam asked you.

“Trying to wash away my sadness.” You started crying again. Sam got in the shower and hugged you. “It hurts so much, Sam. I don’t know what to do to. I loved your brother. I love him!” You corrected yourself. Sam held you closer. “It feels like he is holding my heart in his hand and keeps squeezing it in his hand, his nails digging into it. I wish I couldn’t feel anything.”

“You’ll be fine.” Sam assured you but you didn’t believe him. He turned off the water and helped you out of the wet clothes. He kept repeating “you’ll be fine” as he dressed your wound. You raised your head to look him in the eyes.

“You really think so? Because I’m having a hard time believing you.”

Sam kissed the top of your head. “I know so.”

You stood in the hallway and watched him as he cleaned up the broken glass and the blood.

“I’m just so angry Sam. Madder than I’ve ever been.”

“As long as you are not sad anymore.” Sam answered without looking at you.

No, you weren’t sad anymore. Now you were furious, anger burning in your eyes, rage consuming your very being. “I hope your brother comes back,” you fumed, “because when he does I’m going to make Alastair’s torture feel like child’s play. I’m going to make him regret ever meeting me. It’s a good thing he is a demon now, because there is going to be hell to pay.”

Sam stared at you with sad eyes. You turned around and went to wash the blood from his bedroom, passing Dean’s room. The door was open and you noticed how clean and organized everything was. For some reason the neat room fueled your anger. You ran to your room, grabbed your knife and your gun, ran back to Dean’s room and started destroying everything.  You emptied the gun in his dresser, tore up the magazines and sliced up the pillow and bed. Nothing was safe from your fury, the clothes were kicked and stomp on, then put in a pile to burn later. Dean had hurt you to the point of madness, but kicking and mutilating his beloved dirty magazines made you feel so much better. The violent outburst provided a gratifying thrill you had never felt before.

“What the hell?” You saw Dean entering his room. He picked up a piece of the magazine. “Are those my magazines?”

“Now they are trash.” You answered. “Like you.”

He went around his room, inspecting the damage. “I warned you not to look for me.”

You rolled your eyes and walked out of the room, Dean behind you. Once in your room, you took your suitcase from under the bed and started throwing your clothes in it. “You sent Sam a text saying not to go after you. If I knew I was following the Dean Winchester Sex Tour I would have stopped.”

Dean sat on your bed. “So that’s what’s bothering you. And I hardly call two waitresses a sex tour.”

You punched him. You wanted to keep punching him but he grabbed your wrists. “We can talk about it after you calm down.” He said.

“Fuck you, Dean.” You freed your hands, closed your suitcase and stormed out of the room.

“You’re leaving?” Sam said the moment you entered the library.

“Yes. I need to go kill something to balance out how pathetic I was before.” You hugged Sam.

“Thank you for taking care of me.”

“You don’t have to leave.” Sam said.

“I have to. You need to have a long conversation with your brother and I need to blow off some steam before I end him.”

Your car was in the garage next to the Impala. For a second you thought about keying the car and punching the tires. Maybe hitting it with your car?

“Don’t you dare hurt baby. I can forgive the destruction of my room but never hurting baby.” Dean said.

“I wasn’t going to do anything, you brainless baboon.”

You got on your car before Dean could walk closer to you. “You and I have a pending conversation.”

“We’ll talk after you talk to your brother and I shoot something.” You promised.

****

Three weeks have passed since you left Sam and Dean. During that time you had hunted, saved people and ignore the numerous calls from the brothers. You discovered the rage you felt made you a better hunter; yes, you saved people from monsters, but the most satisfying part hadn’t been the rescuing of innocent civilians, but the rush of ending the monster's life. This was your new perspective of the life you had chosen. Now saving came second, if at all. It was all about getting the monster and fueling your addiction. You were thinking of heading back, you needed Sam's help to get new cases, when a ghost case appeared out of nowhere and you decided to take care of that first.

It wasn’t a complicated case, you were already leaving he cemetery when you saw the impala next to your car. Sam and Dean waiting outside the vehicle. You smiled at them. You were sure they would disapprove of your recent philosophy. You will keep your new lifestyle a secret.

“Sorry boys, it’s already done.”

“Where were you?” Dean said.

“Nowhere special.” You answered, innocently. “And what’s with the tone? It’s not like disappeared. I texted Sam daily!”

“Sending ‘not dead’ in the morning and ‘still not dead’ at night doesn’t count.” Sam said.

“How about the pie I sent? Doesn’t that count?”

“You mean the pie made with holy water?” Dean clearly didn’t find your joke funny.

You laughed. “That one cost me a lot, with the health code regulations and laws, I had to bribe the chef for him to sprinkle the holy water in the filling.”

“Hilarious,” Dean said sarcastically. “Give Sam your car keys. You are riding with me.”

You hesitated. You were calm now that you had exterminated the ghost and you did promised him a conversation, yet there was still a small part of you that didn’t want to hear his excuses nor forgive him. You walked towards Sam and handed him your car keys. “Tell me again what you told me in the bathroom that night.”

“You’ll be fine.”

You took a deep breath and got in Dean’s car. This time you believed Sam’s words.

 

 


	2. "I Wanna Hear You Say I Don't Deserve You"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader has to decide to either forgive Dean for cheating on her and continue with the relationship, or break up with whom she once called the love of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is based on the "Imagine finding out Dean's been cheating on you" imagine from supernaturalimagine tumblr.
> 
> I don't own Supernatural of any of the awesome characters nor I own the songs mentioned in the story but I do recommend to listen to them, if you want to of course.

You didn't like sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala, it reminded you of all the times you have had to sit there due to one of the brothers being gravely injured. You have usually been fortunate enough to avoid sitting there, either Sam would take the spot or if you were taking a trip alone with Dean, you would insist to take your car. Unfortunately, now you were trapped in your unlucky seat. 

You rolled down the window, concentrating on the scenery outside. Your eyes avoiding Dean, you were sure that one look at the man and the rage you were trying to hide would appear. Dean should have let you drive yourself to the bunker. You would have been able to create a concrete list of pros and cons about your relationship and formulate a plan where you could separate from him without losing Sam. Driving together and talking in the car was a bad idea, you were on the spot, you wouldn't be able to over-think and come up with less bitchy responses. Whatever you said now, you would be unable to retract.

It was clear that your silence was bothering Dean. However, you didn't really care, so you continued to play with the radio. “Stop that!” He ordered.

You groaned. “Since when do you want to talk about feelings? I don't want to talk about it. Let's just pretend the whole thing didn't happen. Starting with the relationship.” The last thing you said came out as a whisper. OK. The last thing was too much and you knew it. This was why you absolutely needed to rehearse your conversations. “Dean, at this point I don't even care why or if you are sorry.”

“I am sorry you got hurt but I'm not going to beat myself up for what happened that night.”

You stared at him. It was true you weren't interested in an explanation, but his attitude still took you by surprise. “Since when are you so carefree?”

Dean shrugged. “And I'm sure whatever happened between you and Sam wasn't planned.”

What was Dean talking about? What happened between Sam and you? You were a little bit tipsy that night, but you recalled everything that occurred. Yeah Sam had removed your wet clothes, but you were sure that he is too much of a gentleman to take a peek.

Dean noticed your confusion. “You didn't....”

“Sleep with Sam?” You interrupted. “You thought I slept with your brother?!” You laughed till your stomach hurt and tears fell. How could he think that? Where did that come from? “That felt good.” You said, cleaning your face with your sleeve. “I want to say I'm badass enough to date two brothers, but in reality, don't think I could. Besides, I have enough drama with you!”

“Not funny,” Dean said, a little ashamed. 

“You should be glad I'm not offended! I would never do such thing! Especially with your brother.” At least now you knew why Dean wasn't apologetic.

“I just saw the two of you and I just assumed...”

“Well, don't. You are clearly bad at it.” You moved closer to the door, trying to put all the distance you could manage in the small space. “Well, this was not fun, but now it's over.”

“What's over? Us? Are you done with me?” Dean begged. “I admit I did something that maybe I shouldn't had done. I messed up, I get it but I need you. Please, I can't do this without you.” He placed his hand on top of yours. You didn't react.

That wasn't fair and he knew it! You closed your eyes and counted to ten. You wanted to slap his hand away and kick him, which probably wasn't a great idea because he was driving. So you stayed frozen, looking at the road ahead. You had contemplated returning to Dean, you _had_ used your time away to think over the whole situation. You had been in a middle of a hunt the time you had considered forgiving Dean for such treacherous deed and ended up stabbing a monster more times than necessary, telling you that most likely you were still harboring a grudge. On the other hand, you didn't want to abandon Dean and Sam while the older brother was a demon. You knew Sam needed you too.

You arrived at the bunker with a headache and irritated. All you could think was that this wasn't your problem! You felt some sympathy for Sam, but not enough to stay with Dean through another of his ordeals. You have had enough. It would be better to leave. You had already proved to yourself, you could do the job alone. Besides, it's not like you could hunt with them anymore, your methods differ and they would reproach you the second they discovered your new hunting preference. So, this was it, end of the line. You needed to leave the brothers. At that moment, Sam arrived with your car. He got out, big grin on his face and hugged you. Damn! All desire to desert him gone. You could still for a little while, spend some time with him and support him. You were sure that you could pretend to be your old self for him.

Deceiving the Winchesters was easier than you thought. They were too busy bickering and distrusting each other that they didn't pay much attention to you or your actions. This let you escape to do some hunting on your own without having to explain much, which made you feel elated. You needed this mini hobby, things with Dean were awkward and you really didn't want to think too much about it. You wanted to kill more, and think less. Especially, when you were pretty much the Winchesters' referee. No wonder Dean wanted you to stay, they were practically using you to keep things civil between them.

Sam was in the library working on his computer. You sat down next to him. “I found a case.” He said. You took a peek at noticed that it was in the town where you found Dean. In fact, one of the missing persons was one of the waitress that had slept with him. Was Sam joking? You weren't going to lift a finger to rescue to bitch.

“Pass.” You slid to laptop back to him.

Dean walked in. “Sam found a case?”

“Maybe.” You pointed the town to Sam.

“We still have to help those people.” Sam said once he realize why you didn't want to go.

“What's the problem?” Dean looked at the case. “Oh.”

“You two can go. Maybe it would be a great for a bonding exercise.” You said.

You stayed in the library long enough to see them pack for the hunt. Then you went to your room to watch some mindless trash television. You felt like Dean was expecting you to say a few words like if you go then you won't find me here or you better not spend any alone time with the bitch. Wouldn't a protective girlfriend say that? Wasn't that the role you were playing now? You haven't broke up with him, you weren't exactly on a break, but you weren't spending any alone time together. You didn't even care to mend the relationship or have the break up talk. It was like you were hollow except when you were hunting. You left your room with the intention to wave goodbye and wish them luck, yet, when you got there you didn't know what to say, before you would hug Dean and whispered for him to come back to you. This time a wave was all you could bring yourself to do.

The plan was to stay watching trashy TV, but it changed when you saw you had a new email from someone you didn't recognize. Normally, you wouldn't click on a weird link, you shouldn't click on a weird link, but what the hell? You could always steal a new computer. The link took you to numerous murder articles. Apparently, something was slaughtering entire families. It took you a few minutes to find the pattern, all the fathers were partners of a bankrupted company. There was one family remaining and they were trying to find a nanny. You masterfully made up an application and got the job. All the families were from a wealthy background and all of the had security cameras. After stealing the footage, you found your monster. It was time to hunt a shifter.

Two days and nothing. You were getting really tired of the short uniform and the creepy looks from the dad, to the point that you were going to ended up killing him before the monster could get him. The third day was your lucky day. You dropped the kids at school and returned home to the corpses of the cook and the maid in the kitchen. The shifter was attacking the mother when you surprised him by stabbing him with a silver knife. You chained him to a chair so you could play a little.

He had all the silverware you could find sticking out of him. You twisted the knife on his leg. “So, your business partners leave you, your company fails and you kill their families? Little excessive, don't you think?” He mumbled something, but the tape over his mouth didn't let you understand a word. You were about to stick another knife when a call from Sam interrupted you.

“Where are you?” Sam asked.

“Buying the seasons of Criminal Minds. Where are you?” You answered. Wow. You were becoming an expert liar.

“We got back and we didn't find you.”

“I'm sorry. I'll be back later today.” You hung up.

You went to the family room, took the seasons of the show, then returned to the living room and stabbed the shifter in the heart. “ _I will kill you in your sleep. So you better try try to keep awake. I will kill you in your sleep. So you better try try to keep awake.”_ You sang as you step over the mother, not even checking if she was still alive and left the house.

Not feeling like going back home, you stopped at a diner for some food. You ordered a burger, double fries and a milkshake. Your food arrived and so did an unwelcome person. Crowley sat in the booth in front of you, but you didn't let him ruin your appetite.

“Word on the street is that there is a new pretty vicious hunter. Emphasis on the pretty.” He tried to take a fry from your plate, but you hit him with your fork.

“I don't share food. And I don't know what you are talking about.” You smiled innocently.

“Your torture methods are childish.”

“Are you following me? Don't tell me you were the one who sent me the link.” Great. You fell right into Crowley's trap. He was probably going to blackmail you now.

“I could teach you, you know.” He said.

That would be awesome, but you weren't stupid. “In exchange of what?”

“A small favor.”

You pushed the plate away. “Cards on the table, Crowley. I'm pretty sure the 'small favor' is not going to be a small favor and you always have an ulterior motive for everything. This is about you not being able to control Dean, isn't it?” You guessed.

“It's true that Squirrel and I aren't getting along right now, but we are besties.”

You rolled your eyes. “And you want to use me to get to him?” You thought about it for a second. You working with the King of Hell would most likely aggravate Dean and that would be extremely fun for you. “Ok. What's the favor?”

Crowley smiled. “You are going to like this. I want you to kill some demons, the best part being one of the demons is possessing the waitress you hate.”

“That is not a favor...feels more like a gift. Find a way to get them to this diner after closing time and I'll take care of them.” You immediately started to formulate your attack plan. It would be awesome to pull a movie-like production, get some explosives and blow up the property. A little too theatrical really, but now that the idea was there, you really wanted to do it.

Crowley was a bit shaken by your malicious grin. He did mention that the rumor going around was that you were barbaric, so why is he acting surprised all of the sudden? “Problem?” You asked him.

“Answer me this love, what happened to the sweet girl who used to bring magazines and books while those morons had me trapped in their dungeon?” Crowley asked.

The question made you somewhat mournful. You were like the backwards version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas story. You started out an endearing, happy, head-over-heels in love fool and ended up the I-hate-everything-and-everyone, I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-face-and-laugh-over-your-dead-body Grinch. You could say something along the lines of she's dead or she grew up, but there was a part of you who wanted to believe that you could go back to being that “sweet girl” that Crowley remembered. Not right now, obviously, but maybe one day.

“I don't know.” You said.

Crowley left you alone.

You returned to the bunker to find Sam asleep and a missing Dean. You shrugged and went to look for the supplies you needed. You drove back and broke into the diner. You set the explosives close to the sprinklers so all of the them would activate at the same time, nothing major, just enough to create a small fire to turn on the system. Then, it was time to look for the water source. It took you a little while, but when you found it, you pushed two rosaries, and performed the blessing, transforming it into holy water. You mentally thanked Sam for showing you the cool reverse exorcism trick, you would play it so none of the demons could leave the party after feeling the holy water. A few demon traps, and now all you had to do was wait for the guests to arrive.

Everything went according to plan. The explosives went off, making the holy water pour over the demons. This was distracting enough to kill all of them with your angel blade. Well, all of them except one. The waitress was missing. You found her hiding underneath one of the tables and dragged her out. No speech, no last words, you didn't even let her beg for her life. You yanked her by her ponytail, moved her closer to you and sliced her throat. With the immense amount of strength you used to pull the hair and how deep the cut was, her head almost disconnected from her body. You also stabbed her a few times just to let the aggression out. Your heard footsteps behind you and immediately prepared for a new fight, instead you found Sam.

“What the hell?” He asked.

You moved past him, ignoring the question. Dean was waiting outside. “You two followed me here or what? What the fuck are you doing here?” You weren't going to pretend that you didn't just sort of burned down an establishment and killed the demons inside.

“Us? What are you doing here?” Dean demanded.

“Playing with matches. What does it look like?” You answered.

Sam said your name. You turned around. “We found a uniform covered with blood.” Sam said, concerned.

Crap! The stupid uniform probably fell out of your car when you were packing the new supplies. “Not my blood.”

“We know.” Dean added.

“Know what?” you asked.

“Pretty much everything.” Sam replied. “What happened to you?”

It was time to leave the brothers. “Doesn't matter now.”

You started to walk away, but Dean grabbed your arm. He removed when it burned him, after all, you were drenched in holy water. “Is all this because of what I did? Did I turned you into this?”

You didn't answer. He continued. “I'm sorry. Please let me help. I love you.”

This was the first time you heard those three words from Dean. You used to tell him how much you loved him all the time, but he never said it back and you never pushed him. You stopped walking, turned around and shoved Dean against the wall, threaten him with the angel blade. His eyes turned black. Sam yelled for you to stop, but Dean told him not to intervene. “Like I give a fuck about what you feel.” You fumed.

“Don't look for me.” You said as you let him go. You got into your car and drove away.

You were relieved. You were finally done with Dean Winchester! Done! You turned on the radio. _“This little heart and brain of mine say we're through with you. And I wonder does it blow your mind that I'm leaving you far behind. I wonder does it stop your heart to know, you're not my sunshine anymore.”_ The song playing was like a sign from heaven, probably not, but you interpreted that way.

You headed to Crowley's new home. He had promised to advance your education and who better than the King of Hell to teach you how to inflict pain? You were headed down a dark path, but you didn't care. The music continued to play and you happily sang along. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should mention that the titles of the chapters are from the song "Fall Apart" by Every Avenue, and yep that's also where the title of the story comes from. 
> 
> In case you wanted to know, the first song is "Keep Awake" by 100 Monkeys and the last song is "Ugly Heart" by G.R.L. 
> 
> Thank you guys for asking for a second chapter! I hope you liked it! :D 
> 
> (This was my first time writing a sequel. I hope it was worth the wait).


	3. "Paralyzed by Black and White."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader currently works for Crowley, but she now considers it's time for a promotion. Meanwhile, Sam, Dean and Castiel want to cure her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is based on the "Imagine finding out Dean's been cheating on you" imagine from supernaturalimagine tumblr.
> 
> As always, I don't own Supernatural or any of the characters, not even the reader, because that's you and you belong to yourself.

You stomped into the throne room and threw the blood bag at Crowley. It hit him in the face then fell onto his lap. "I am not your fucking dealer. Next time you want to get high get some other dumbass demon to get your fucking blood."

Crowley clearly didn't like your disrespectful tone. "You work for me! You do as I say, get anything I ask. Don't forget who made you."

You didn't lower your gaze. "Please, how am I supposed to forget it when you so kindly remind me so often?" This was not your first disagreement with the king of hell. His addiction had been out of control for a while now. It looked clear to you that his kingdom was not a priority anymore. In fact, it would have fallen a long time ago, if it wasn't for you. You had kept the weaken king behind close doors while you made sure everything ran smoothly. You were supposed to be a killing machine, not a politician nor his queen! You did all the work without the title and you were tired of it. You turned to leave.

"I am your king!" Crowley shouted at you.

"We'll see about that." You threatened under your breath.

You sat on a bench eating an ice cream cone. Heart-shaped sunglasses are hiding your black eyes. As a demon you had trouble controlling your temper, you even frightened the older demons. It took you a while to notice Castiel sitting beside you. The angel acknowledged you. He acted a bit distant, yet cordial. This surprised you, since you expected him to resent your choice; maybe even hate you after all the things you've done.

"You want some ice cream?" You asked him knowing very well that he would refuse your offer. The sole intention of offering was to shove the cone to his face and to let the melted drops dirty his clean outfit. You dropped the whole thing on him. You muttered an oops and smiled innocently at him. You were sure he wasn't fooled, however, he made no comment about it.

The avoidance of the topic irritated you. "If you have something to say, just say it!"

"Sam and Dean continue to be looking for you. We want to help you." He answered after a short silence.

"I'm too far gone." He was on the verge of a reply, probably something about how everyone can be saved but you interrupted him. "Is it true that Dean is cured?"

Castiel nodded. "Sam is now focusing on finding a way to remove the mark of Cain."

You checked the watch on your phone. You had an appointment with some demons and you intended to keep it. "Well, I wish him luck. He's a smart boy. I'm confident that he will find a way."

"You still care?"

"These human feelings come and go. It's a nuisance." You shrugged.

"Then surely you can be saved." You shook your head. Castiel grabbed you by the shoulders and made you look at him. "Sam and Dean won't care about what you did. They just do not want you to back! We want you back."

You didn't free yourself. "Do you have any idea of what I have done? What I did to become a demon? I can't Cas." You looked the angel in the eye. Was that pity you were noticing? How dare he? You were practically a baby demon, but you had managed to achieve a great reputation for yourself! You were merciless! And the future Queen of Hell! The human feelings were leaving your system and once they were completely gone, you would be unstoppable. "Let me go."

Castiel frowned. "We want to help you." He repeated.

It was now time to leave. You shook off the angel. "I don't want nor need your help. I am pleased with my choices. I'm even up for a promotion!"

He stared at you confused. "Whatever you are intending to do. Don't."

You stood up ready to leave. "Tell the boys I say hi." You raised your sunglasses to show off your black eyes and winked at the angel.

You vanished from the park. You kept thinking about what Castiel said, how the brothers still cared enough about you to wish to cure you. You couldn't allow that to happen; becoming a demon had been excruciating. It wasn't like you died and magically returned with the black eyes. Crowley had corrupted and twisted your soul the old fashion way. If only Castiel had appeared after you left Sam and Dean. You would have accepted his help that night. You would have let the angel rescue you from the ordeal of becoming this monster. You even prayed for his aid. He didn't listen then. So you won't listen to him now.

* * *

_"Please don't do this." Your cousin begged. She was younger than you. She was meant to be enjoying her Friday night at a party, instead of bleeding to death, tied to a chair._

_Your hand trembled. You couldn't look at her, so you focused on the wall behind her. The corpses of her parents rotting on the floor. These people had raised you, cared for you, even loved you like their own daughter. Now they were dead by your hand._

_"Having second thoughts, darling?" Crowley questioned._

_Your cousin sobbed quietly. You were grateful for that. Her constant screaming and crying was making you second guess your resolution. You needed to twist your soul to become a demon. It was a lot easier said than done._

_"Just kill her and be done with it." Crowley added._

_You placed the blood covered knife on the table. "GIVE ME A MINUTE!" You hurried outside and didn't stop walking until you were pleased with the distance between you and the abandoned factory. You wiped the blood from your hands on your jeans. Why were you doing this? So Dean broke your heart and killing monsters lessen the pain a bit. But becoming a demon was definitely going too far. You had one foot in and one foot out. You could grab your cousin and run away, start from zero; abandon the life and just be normal. You could even ask Castiel to erase your cousin's memory. It was not too late. You could be saved. You went through the contacts on your phone till you found Sam's number. You took a deep breath and dialed. It rang twice before decided against it. You almost murdered his brother! Sam was probably not coming to your rescue._

_"Cas? Buddy? Existential crisis here! I need you." You yelled at the sky. No answer. Castiel was probably too busy solving Dean's problems._

_You were on your own. You threw your phone to the ground and stepped on it until it was completely broken. You made your decision._

_You ran back to your cousin, determined to become a demon, without a word to her or Crowley, you sank the knife into her._

_"Now what?" You asked Crowley after you dumped your cousin's body on the floor next to her parent's._

_"Now Juliet kills you and you go to hell."_

_You froze. He never mentioned the part about being executed via his Hellhound. Before you could respond to the news you were pushed to the floor. Juliet's breath made you gag._

_"Don't worry, pet. Juliet will kill you quickly." Crowley said._

_The hellhound's fangs tore into your skin. The excruciating pain made you want to scream, but you pressed your lips together and waited for it to be done._

* * *

Crowley was right. Juliet didn't make you suffer for long, and he collected you from hell almost instantly. You became important to him. Who else could he trust to kill the traitors that had sided with Abbadon? He gave you a list and you disposed of them. That was your job at the beginning. Now it was more about taking care of him. Yet, being the leader was growing on you, but you loathed being used as a blood dealer.

You were on the way to talk to some of Abbadon's supporters, there still a few of them around. You intended to use them to take the crown. You were going to be the new Queen of Hell, and your old teachers said you wouldn't amount to much. Maybe you should kill them for doubting you.

You walked into the warehouse and instantly noticed the dead demons. You looked up from the floor to see Dean smiling and waving at you. You smiled back. Great! The two morons killed your army and the chance you had at the throne.

"Come out Sam! I know Dean didn't kill all these demons by himself." You waved your hand and threw the younger Winchester to a wall after he appeared.

"Sammy!" Dean screamed.

You rolled your eyes. "Stop being so melodramatic. He has had worse." You looked around. "Did you really have to kill all of them? I had a plan for them." You took a step closer without noticing the devil's trap on the ceiling. Suddenly you were stuck in that spot. NO! NO! NO! NO! It was time to improvise because you had not anticipated any of this, so you didn't have an exit strategy. You really needed to start carefully planning for any possibility in the future.

"So what now? You cure me and we live happily ever after? Do you think I want you back?" You asked.

"No. I cure you and you live your life away from me if that's what you want." He seemed hurt. You looked away. Stupid human feelings. You had to escape and quickly.

You smirked after a short pause."Fine. I accept those terms. I become human again and I never see you again." You extended your hand. "Shake on it?"

You grabbed his hand and pulled him into the trap. You stole his knife and threw it to the ceiling, breaking the spell. You held him by his shirt's collar with one hand and punched him until both his face and your other hand were covered in his blood. You dropped him and put your foot on his throat. "I hope you are happy Dean. I am this because of you! You have no idea how much I want to kill you right now, but letting you live with that guilt, knowing that it will eat you alive, I think it would be a lot sweeter than ending your life." You blinked to show off your black eyes as you pressed to his throat until he passed out.

You left the warehouse and dialed Sam's number. You waited until the machine picked up. "In case you wake up before your brother, no he is not dead, just unconscious. You are welcome for not killing him. A little warning, though, you even think about pulling something like this again and I'll kill you both in the most horrific way I can think and let me assure you, I have a very vicious imagination." You hung up and threw the phone away.

You hurried away as you contemplated your next move. The Winchesters had majorly helped Crowley keep his crown. unknown to them, they had screwed you over. As much as you would love to think that you were powerful enough to conquer hell on your own, you knew that you still needed demons to be loyal to you. You needed an army. You needed the army that Dean and Sam had killed. You took a look at your hands. Dean's blood gave you an idea. Maybe you only needed one powerful demon. You should have killed Dean! He could have then kill Crowley, making you Queen of Hell. That was the new plan: make Dean a demon again; after that you had to figure out a way to keep him loyal to you. Time to put the plan into action, first by retrieving the First Blade from its hiding place, good thing Crowley had mentioned where he had hidden it. You just had to remember the place.

You continued to work for Crowley while working on your plan; It was too easy to hide everything from him since he was too preoccupied dealing with his addiction. Crowley didn't even notice that the first blade was missing. The major problem was getting Dean to agree to meet you. You could always call him and accept his help to turn your back, but he contrary to popular belief, Dean wasn't stupid. There was no way that he would trust your sudden change of heart. Another option would be to let him think there is a case, but then he would show up with Sam. You groaned. The hell with all the planning! Sometimes the best plans are the simple ones. You knew how to exploit Dean's weakness! Of course he wouldn't give up on you. You called Castiel confessing what you had done to Sam and Dean. You cried and begged for the angel to help you. After some pleading, the angel had agreed to convince Dean to meet you alone to apologize. Either they were incredibly stupid or luck was on your side.

To distract Dean you wore a short black dress and red high heels for the meeting, maybe seduce him a little. You didn't want to just jump on him and kill. There was no fun in that. You played with the blade while waiting for Dean to show up. After an hour waiting you were furious! How dare he keep you waiting? You were about to leave when someone grabbed you. Castiel held you tight while the Sam approached you with a syringe full of blood. They weren't going to waste time tying you up.

“WAIT! ” you cried. “You don't understand! It will kill me. The things I've done...I can't come back from that.” You kept trying to break free. “I almost killed you! I threatened to kill you. I wanted you here to kill you!”

“I doubt you'll be the last person to try to kill me,” Dean tried to joke.

Sam was getting closer. “DON'T!” You screamed as Sam inserted the first dose.

As the blood took effect, the ghost of your cousin appeared behind Sam or at least you were seeing some kind of bloody echo that looked like your cousin. She laughed at you. She knew what hell awaited you now that you couldn't use your demon side to fight the remorse after each kill. One by one, your victims appeared before you. Their laughter becoming louder as the traces of the demon left your system. Now that you were human, the ghosts were all you could focus on. They had the right to torture you, so you allowed them. Dean, Sam and Castiel welcomed you back and you hugged them. You asked Castiel to help you to the car. The ghosts followed you.

The car ride was a silent one. Dean asked you once how you were feeling, which you replied that you were just tired. You refused his offer to stop at a motel so you could get some rest. All you wanted was to reach the sanctuary of the bunker; if the ghosts were real, surely they could not follow you there. Although you were certain that they were just part of your imagination, still that didn't made them less threatening. You told yourself to get accustomed to them. The guilt will probably make them your permanent companions. Could you blame them for haunting you? They were the innocent victims of your quest to destroy yourself. You would gladly give your soul to take it all back, but what demon would make a deal with you? You were trapped in a state of regret without the possibility of redemption. They were dead. You killed them. Time to live with the consequences.

* * *

You had been fully human for a week. A week of sleeplessness, silently crying and the brothers trying to help you. You hated that most of all, to the point that you didn't leave your room trying to avoid them. You closed your eyes for a second when your screams woke you up. You heard Dean pleading for you to open your door, but even if Sam managed to unlock it, you had moved everything you could in order to block the entrance. You sat on the floor, your back resting on the bed. This was it. The opportunity you wanted to get back to being the sweet girl you were before. Clean state and all, but was easier said than done. You wished you could forget the despicable things you had done. You wanted to just say what it is past is past, and for those words to magically excuse and erase your actions. It had been the demon who had done those things, not you! It had been her, another entity-like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. She had been a part of you, not you. That monster was not you! She had been you. You shook your head. Definitively not you. You were desperately trying to figure out some excuses, but in reality, you were lying to yourself and you knew it. There was no escaping the pain. The demon left and her final evil deed had been to leave with the guilt and the awful memories that now kept you awake. She could should have taken those with her! Those actions belonged to her. She should have taken them! You didn't want them.

The your cousin's phantom stood there mocking you.”I'm so sorry, ” you murmured before you started to cry. For a second you thought that this was hell. Maybe you didn't survive the cure and now you were being punished. The door exploded, destroying the dresser and the chair you had placed before it. It couldn't be hell if Castiel was there. The three of them rushed to your side. You focused on the angel, he was the ticket out of your inferno. You knew it was cheating, could be even be called a coward move, however it was the only way for you to be back to being happy.

“You want Cas to erase your memories? ” Sam asked after you told them your idea.

The four of you were at the library. Dean sat next to you, holding your hand. “I know it isn't fair. I'm just tired of feeling this way, ” you said looking at the table.

“I think it's a great idea.” Dean added.

You smiled. “So Cas, could you please?”

Castiel nodded and moved to your side. He touched your forehead and everything went dark.

You woke up in your room a bit disoriented. The last thing you remembered was Sam dragging Dean's body into the bunker. In a panic, you leaped out of bed and raced to the door, but when you opened it, you found Dean standing there with wet hair, clearly fresh from a shower. You touched his chest, trying to figure out if he was real. You hugged him after you had realized that it was in fact Dean Winchester standing in front of you.

“Dean! You're fine! I had the worst nightmare,” you said not letting him go.

“I'm fine,” he said, hugging you back.

“You don't get it. Sam was carrying your dead body and it felt so real,” you said trying to explain yourself.

He hugged you tighter. “I'm fine.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said. You pushed him back and smiled. “Am I still dreaming or you just told me that you love me?”

“I love you, sweetheart.” He repeated.

You held his hand as you led him into your room. You pushed him into your bed, rushed to the door to lock it. You giggled as you jumped on top of Dean.

“Say it again,” you demanded before kissing him.

“I love you.”

You phone rang before things you could go any further. You reached for it. You had several missed calls and texts all from the same person. You started with the most recent text. “Uhmm Dean, why is Crowley texting me about the first blade?” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely the last chapter.  
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story. :D 
> 
> Now time to focus on another project.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited version* 
> 
> I wrote this on my tablet and decided to correct a few things before posting the second chapter.  
> (Nothing will ever replace Damon [my laptop] don't even know why I freaking tried).


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